Posted by MaTT4281:
1,456
You go dude. Today's tidbit:
...Kerry SHOULD have given, if he had to give one at all.
Subject: Concession Speech (sic)
Concession Speech
[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up
to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause
areheard.]
My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken
with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans,
rending of garments]
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people.
Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you
saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special.
And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids
who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while
eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful
stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the
President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the
ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius.
Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The
unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as
their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who
consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or
terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would
belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.
[Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.
I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10
of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying
daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to
pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your
asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies
carried the day.
You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000.
You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very
much.
There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time
for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little
story.
Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los
Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously
about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this:
We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this
country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the
majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We
in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign
terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our
name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume
so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for
us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and
targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones
standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had
something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons
and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people
in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true,
but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie
because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I
really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who
subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms
about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and
excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And
you refused to give it to us, largely because of your "high moral
values." You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need
to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to
provide for its future. Hell no! Not when it's got a human shield of
pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing
to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that
we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior." I suppose, we are
supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke
here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.
It's not a "ha-ha"; funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.
Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as
conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for
President in 2008.
[Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!" Thank you.
And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be
no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt
for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of
"liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite" and the
"white-wine sippers."
This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just
as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the
nation and the world. They don't.
So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to
you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred
drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped;
grade-school grads.
Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help
your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may God, if
he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.
[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL BACK to reveal the
rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs,
and the empty field beyond.}
morePosted by Adam Felber (blog writher, comedian, & radio guy) at
November 3, 2004 02:43 PM
