i had a lab report due the following day, this always stressed me out. always got it done but as a student i procrastinated, i never saw the bigger picture. why am i studying? where will this lead? i had burden of anxiety and depression for many years. so i drank.
i cut class and rode the subway up and down, two or four times, drinking steel reserve 211s. there was a person that used the subway, he was a subway regular, and when he would see me he would call me "211!". this is how low i had sunk. anyway, so i'm riding up and down. worrying instead of acting, like a true loser, a weak person at that time i was. which is why i feel so great now. i took myself from weakness to strength, this is action, this is winning. so i'm up and down on the subway, getting more and more wasted, i'm getting stupid. wallowing in pity.
i get off at the school stop and walk around campus a little, shouting and yelling, it's a wonder i wasn't expelled or reported to campus police. a true lunatic. i go back to the subway stop, fuck the lab report, i'm going home. but i am on the wrong side, the wrong direction. instead of climbing up the stairs, crossing the street, i decide to go on the tracks, climb the barrier, and get on the opposite platform. i climb the barrier and stumble, fall face first, somehow i am in the middle of the tracks.
I CAN'T GET UP, i cannot get up. i am so drunk, every thing i do is pointless, i cannot get the energy to rise, i feel like a stone, a rock, a boulder. i cannot move.
the train is coming, it sounds the horn. it has to stop. i've disrupted the newark light rail.
paramedics, police.
my nose is broken, i realize later. but as the police are carrying me out, i'm telling them about my lab report, how i have to get to the library.
at the hospital, i get up and walk away, screw this, i am not injured, but i'm bleeding on my legs and from my teeth.
mechanical engineering, i don't know if there have been many engineering students that have gone this low.
