Off Topic · Official joke thread (page 1)

Mugger comes up to a guy, says 'your money, or your life!'

Guy thinks about it for a second, says...'shit, take my life, i need my money!!'

what is the difference between tiger woods and Santa Claus. Santa stops after three hos

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in a pool?

Bob.

Turns out it really was oregano. Related: These brownies taste awful

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

What did Kermit the Frog say the day Jim Henson died?

Nothing

Another first date last night. She told me about the skeletons in her closet so i told her about the head in my freezer. She ran off. I really thought we were connecting.

Why do men get confused between hide-and-seek and sex? Cuz in both after about 2 minutes we shout "Ready or not, here I come!".

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.

The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."

"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

why did the man name his dog herpes?

it wouldn't heel.

The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an impending accident,
start pumping real fast.

Almost a true story: A man needed to take a leak in the city, but couldn't find a restroom. So he goes to a quiet street, and starts pissing on a side of a building. As he is doing this, a cop walks by. Cop says, "You know, there is a public restroom right around the corner.", man replies "What, you think i have a fire hose for a penis?"

Actually true story, but could only happen in England. Friend of mine in the city in the middle of the night after a long night Allanfaning, takes a leak on side of building, cop gets out of car and says "Thats illegal and I could book you for that". Friend give some smart-ass answer. Cop glares at him and says "Normally, I wouldnt care and Id leave you alone, but now youre taking the piss!". Cop then realizes what he'd just said, cracks up laughing and tells my friend to move on!

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO HOME NOW?"

I'm beginning to wonder if the bang bros are even related.

"What, 18 holes weren't enough, Tiger?"

Here's a pic of our congress hard at work during one of their grueling 3 day weeks. Look closely at the laptop screens.

TMS wrote:Here's a pic of our congress hard at work during one of their grueling 3 day weeks. Look closely at the laptop screens.

Best joke so far !

where did the general put his armies?

in his sleevies...

what kind of bees like milk?

boo-bies...