Off Topic · This is how I feel (page 3)
anubis, tms, seb, i can assure you that my girl is not with some other dude. it might sound naive, but it's just not the way she is and if she was, her mom and sister would know, they are extremely close and all terrible at keeping secrets.
i'm thinking of going up there on sunday and just laying my cards out, taking a leap of faith. atleast ill have done something and if she tells me to fuck off, then atleast i tried doing something about the situation, or maybe she'll be so happy to see me and things will get back to normal.
i don't know, i just don't want to do the wrong thing and have it blow up in my face is all. i am getting soft here, but i do love the girl and the past two weeks have been horrible for me. i guess i will just go up to her house on sunday.. i really got nothing to lose.
Good luck however you decide to do this. And good night.
IMHO, if she wants space, just give it to her & do your own thing... that doesn't necessarily mean u gotta go hook up with the first chick u meet & have sex, i just mean don't sweat what she's doing & just focus on you bro... if she decides she misses you, believe me she will contact u... if she doesn't that means she's moved on & you should too, but the last thing u should do is to wait around & expect her to come back, because in the end you'll just end up getting bitter at her & at yourself.
my bestfriends girlfriend is pretty good friends with my girl and has been talking to her over email for the past week and a half since this happened. she thinks my girl wants to know whether or not im committed to her and i would have to say rightly so for some of the things i've done. theres been many times that i've put my friends over her (maybe more than many times to be honest) and my friends girl thinks she just wants to know whether or not im in this for the long haul. i asked her if she thought i should do what i planned and she said yes, she thinks it would do the trick. my girl can be kinda naive at times - wanting things to be like the movies and blah blah blah and everything to be perfect and honky dory - im a realist and know things will never be like that, but she's more than worth it to me.
in a relationship wheres there supposed to be alot of give and take from both sides, im pretty sure ive taken alot more than ive given which is why i think i should go up there and just lay it all out there, ya know?
nyk4ever wrote:man, you guys are awesome. such great viewpoints from the 3 of you. i really really appreciate all 3 viewpoints.my bestfriends girlfriend is pretty good friends with my girl and has been talking to her over email for the past week and a half since this happened. she thinks my girl wants to know whether or not im committed to her and i would have to say rightly so for some of the things i've done. theres been many times that i've put my friends over her (maybe more than many times to be honest) and my friends girl thinks she just wants to know whether or not im in this for the long haul. i asked her if she thought i should do what i planned and she said yes, she thinks it would do the trick. my girl can be kinda naive at times - wanting things to be like the movies and blah blah blah and everything to be perfect and honky dory - im a realist and know things will never be like that, but she's more than worth it to me.
in a relationship wheres there supposed to be alot of give and take from both sides, im pretty sure ive taken alot more than ive given which is why i think i should go up there and just lay it all out there, ya know?
Go for it man. I totally get what you're trying to say. Just go there and take a swing at it. Think of it this way: you'll find out her true feelings either way and you be sitting at home anymore fretting over whether she wants to be with you or not. I hope you get good news and it all works out for you. If it doesn't, just don't blame yourself. That would be the wrong move.
Markji wrote:nyk4ever wrote:SupremeCommander wrote:Allanfan20 wrote:nyk4ever wrote:sebstar wrote:Supreme, Nalod, Firefly...I appreciate ya'll's perspectives, but I'm from the camp that love doesnt exist. The heart is a useless organ only designed to set you up for the biggest of downfalls...Fool me once shame on you...Yeah, I'm not getting fooled again.
Just look at the majority of success stories --- the biggest a-holes. They dont care about anybody but themselves.
Kindness and empathy and compassion are seen as weaknesses. Its better to have not loved than to have loved and lost. I believe that. Even worse to get embarrassed and humiliated and made to feel --- well, I dont want to get too far into my personal but I cant do that shyt no more and I dont have the makeup to take it. Just gotta completely harden the heart and keep it moving.
Dont trust again and keep everyone at arms length and you cant be destroyed. I've learned the ultimate life lesson. You gotta take that lesson and react to the message. Thats what I'm doing.
I'm just going to go hard in life and if I check out before forty or even thirty, I'm more than fine with that. Just what needs to be done.
I'm good.
(hope this doesnt come across as whining or self-loathing, it just is what it is.)
right with you bro. ive had a girlfriend for the past 5 years (i'm 27) that i plan on proposing to on the 4th of july - she's a teacher whose doing a 1year masters course and her younger sister is getting married in august, so it's safe to say her life is pretty damn hectic and extremely stressful right now.
well 2 sundays ago she tells me she needs a break from us and can only tell me right now that she needs time and space to 'sort herself out.' her mom texts me on the daily making sure im good, so does her sister and my girl at this point won't even answer my texts or phonecalls. and meanwhile i'm left here to just wait for her and hope she comes to her senses, because i love her.
without getting too soft on ya'll, thats the shit i got going on now. yeah... fuck love.
nyk, that's a very tough and agonizing situation for you and I feel you, but trust me when I say this, before you let ur agony get in the way of your brain. Give her space. Trust me, I've made the mistake of not giving space too, and it came to bite me in the assticles. Text her to say "Hey, hope you're doing ok", maybe once everyday or even every other day just to show you're there to support her morally. Other than that, let her figure her stuff out. If it doesn't work out, then I am sorry dude. But hopefully it will work out, and I am sure it will.
When a lady needs space, she needs space.
Hope it works out for you.
I agree but I'm going to market it differently. Don't give her her space. Let her take it if she must. but I wouldn't condone or accommodate selfish intentions.
Sometimes in these situations women attempt to illicit a reaction. See if you really care or some shit. I usually respond with, "you know what, fuck you." Not verbally, but through my actions.
What I'd do is tell her mom and sister, "oh, yeah, she *took* her space, I didn't give it to her." Then, I'd go out to happy hour and tell my sob story to the hottest group of girls there and have pity/revenge sex. And if the relationship gets back on track it'd be on my terms.
nyk is obviously an awesome dude. His cage is never rattled. He is gracious yet demands equal respect. This girl's mom and sister see this and know this and are afraid that she will end up with someone like me after it is too late to rectify the situation.
But she is doing what is best for her and I suggest you look out for number one. Number one probably used to be her or nyk and her... now look out for who number one really is
also a very interesting take SC... not gonna lie, ive thought about the whole F you mentality myself - not sure what i'm going to do. i might be best just not saying anything to her for a while.
i appreciate your thoughts bro.
NYK - a tough situation. Trying to understand women is virtually impossible in situations like yours. But I'll put some thoughts in. Woman are different than men, and I am not talking just physiologically. Their emotions are very different and they react to situations very differently than we would.First - since you still love her and want to propose to her, you shouldn't go crazy and find some other girl to sleep with. That would end your relationship with her. If she finds out, all hell will break lose. Even if she doesn't, since you love her, you'll probably feel guilty. This is not the time to "get even." She may not have done anything wrong.
Second - her mother and sister are texting you daily. This is very surprising and actually extremely promising. In my experience, woman side with other woman. They won't try to keep you happy or informed if their friend/sister/daughter is breaking up with you. The fact that they are in contact with you means something is going on but I really haven't a clue what is happening behind the scenes. I doesn't necessarily mean that she is seeing someone else.
Third - If you have a good relationship with her sister, try to speak with her sister and see if you can find out what is happening. Woman sometimes deal in roundabout ways, not direct. Men deal direct. Woman are different.
Fourth - Your girlfriend may really want to know that you care about her. You have been going with her for 5 years and now her younger sister is getting married. A big blow and reality check time for the older sister. Have you ever discussed marriage with your girlfriend?? She may think you will never marry her and she is bummed out and thinking about what her future will be.
Fifth - If Bitty or any other female poster is reading all of this, then female input would be most enlightening.
Let us know what happens.
That's what I was saying before... she's trying to elicit a response. But I wouldn't assume what type of response she's looking for. Like firefly, I too would advise against going to speak with her.
Let's assume she wants to settle down. In my book, she's got a whole hell of a lot proving to do that she deserves your partnership. I wouldn't make a $20 transaction on those terms let alone split everything if she decides she needs time again.
firefly wrote:sebstar wrote:
right with you bro. ive had a girlfriend for the past 5 years (i'm 27) that i plan on proposing to on the 4th of july - she's a teacher whose doing a 1year masters course and her younger sister is getting married in august, so it's safe to say her life is pretty damn hectic and extremely stressful right now.well 2 sundays ago she tells me she needs a break from us and can only tell me right now that she needs time and space to 'sort herself out.' her mom texts me on the daily making sure im good, so does her sister and my girl at this point won't even answer my texts or phonecalls. and meanwhile i'm left here to just wait for her and hope she comes to her senses, because i love her.
without getting too soft on ya'll, thats the shit i got going on now. yeah... fuck love.
Yo, I'm sorry to hear about your plight. 5 years is a long time and I know those feelings you got are raw as fukk. But i'm encouraged by the response from her parents. They are treating you with respect and compassion. That will go a long way in a potential reconciliation and I know that feels good to know that they are empathetic towards your feelings and extending dignity and heart. Its all about decency.That decency was absent from my situation. Once things broke down between me and her, there was an obscene campaign to strip me of my dignity and manhood because she felt like I 'cheated' or she was 'unappreciated'. So my contributions to her life, which were measurable in those three years, went out the window and in its place was complete and abject ruthlessness. I dont think I can begin to describe how cold the shyt they all did to me was. And it was a collective effort.
So yeah, I'm definitely looking out for number one as I have expressed in this thread. I've deaded my heart. Thats not happenin again.
Like to extend my support to your journey.
I gotta say, a lot of this convo cuts me deep. Ive always been the kind of guy to put it out there, trust and damn the consequences. My wife and her family are real full-on life pessimists who wouldnt trust you if you gave them a million bucks. I have had countless conversations with them about the fallacies in the way I view the world. They tell me that people will let you down, that people ultimately care only about themselves and leaving yourself open will only result in you getting hurt.
The truth is, I know that both they and you guys here are right. If I give someone an opportunity to walk all over me, I know there's a good chance it will happen. But heres the thing. I still don't let that change the way I view the world.
When you guys say stuff about women in general or about people in general, I question that, because I have seen the worst in humanity. I have seen parents abandon children at the exact time their children need it most. I have seen women take their man, beat him down with every tool available, kick him in the goolies while he's down there, then unjustly get him sent to jail for good measure. Ive seen big, strong men weeping like babies because there is literally nothing else left. I know the evil in humanity's heart. Ive seen it, lived with it and gotten to know it on a down and dirty level.
But Ive also seen the other side. The family that takes that man, brings him into their own home and cares for him. Ive seen people put their own hands in their pockets to the tune of millions just to ensure that a family stays together, can live, can eat. Ive known people who walk past a man lying in the filth of the gutter and kneel down there to help him back up inch by excruciating inch. Women who see the child so desperate for his parents' love and try with every breath to make that child feel wanted and cared for again. And yes, Ive known women who would walk through the fiery pits of hell because of love.
Ive seen what happens when love dies, when it gets crush underfoot like an afterthought. It hurts more then anything. That feeling of loss, of despair, of feeling so small because what you feel will never be reciprocated can make you think that everyone is the same. That everyone will hurt you if you open up to them. But Ive also seen what happens when you let someone else in, when you give them the chance to see who you really are, underneath the ruffntuff, that raw, scared kid we all have inside ourselves. And thats when you remember what life is truly about. All this talk of living for yourself, taking what you can get, fukk love, where does it get you? If we truly were meant to be alone, then why does it hurt so much when we are?
When my first kid was born, I finally understood what it meant to be a part of something much much much bigger then yourself. Theres a saying in the Torah. "Love others like you love yourself". When I look at my wife or one of my kids thats exactly how I feel. If given a choice between my life or theirs, I wouldnt hesitate or flinch for a second. Sebby and NYK, it sounds to me like you put yourselves in that position with a girl and they never showed you the same in return. But thats not a reflection on you or the rest of the world. Its a reflection on that specific person. It says to me that they have issues and concerns that do not include a level of selflessness that EVERYONE in a relationship deserves. But if you guys lock yourselves in as a result of their selfishness and in your case Sebby, their callousness, viciousness and sheer bitchery then the only result is you're turning into the them. The exact thing you loathed so much about them will be replicated in you. And that cant be what you want.
I cant promise you that the next time it will be different. History and statistics state otherwise. But if you dont let yourself live, to feel that pain, you'll never give yourself the chance to feel the joy and happiness when it goes right. And sometimes, it does go right.
Ill end off with a story. Theres a guy walking down the road, and he falls into a pit. Hes lying at the bottom of the pit and he sees a doctor walking by. He calls up "Hey doc, can you help me out?". The docto writes out a prescription and throws it into the pit. He sees a priest walk by and he calls up "Hey father, can you help me out?". The priest writes up a penance and throws it down to the bottom of the pit. Then a friend walks by and the man shouts up "Hey Joe, its me! Im stuck in this pit, can you help me out?" The friend sees him, and jumps down into the pit. The man says "Why did you do that?! Now we're both stuck in here!". And the friend replies "Yes. But I've been here before, and I know the way out".
If you need any help getting out, let me know.
This post is really affecting me....
firefly wrote:That stuff is real truth Seb. I hope you get through your stuff and come out better on the other side. It can be cathartic posting stuff in this forum and I just hope we help.
It is cathartic. We're a community here that allows for some anonymity, yet still know who each other is. That's a good recipe for getting stuff off the chest. Instead of going to the bar, getting lit, and making bad choices after I lost the job that was such a struggle to find in the first place, I came here and let it go. It took me a real long time to be able to say it out loud. But to interface with personalities you consider friends while maintaining some anonymity... I think that can be a powerful, awesome thing
Now it may sound like the man is doing all the work but for this to work its about self respect and loving yourself. What are your bringing into the relationship? Stabilty? BTW, its a valuable comodity cuz without it you can't grow. You bringing in companionship? Never put your friends before you mate btw. IF you can't , then maybe your not ready. A solid relationship will allow your own space. Going off with the boys and drinking is not cool. I don't really know why but after 25 years its nothing I miss but I kind of understand. Would you want your girl going out drinking with her single friends and dancing with other men? We are dogs and stimulate easier than women. They got a point.
Children, Job pressure, mortgages are all easy when the relationship is good.
Sebby, maybe you got to also look within and take some ownership over why this women felt like she was made the fool. Whose fault is not important than understanding what in the hell happened. My feeling is you never opened up and somehow boxed your emotions out and she flipped. That self defensive mechanism might have become a self fulfilling prophacy.
I don't know your parental situation or what your role models were growing up. I have not seen my biological father since I am nine and he started another family. My step father was a good man and while one let me down I learned about commitment from another. He was there not because I was his son but cuz he wanted to. This all made me a better husband and father. I want to be there. Not always easy mind you, but I know the outcome if I am. If you don't, then its hard to commit.
BTW, I told my brother in law to get over that perfect moment and accept that it was right in front of him TONITE and if you do it TONITE it would be a wonderful thing. He did and all was good. He did not know he was on the ropes. Like I said, it was that pride thing that when breached makes us angry. She was getting angry.
NYK4, why were you waiting for 4th of July? If money, then she should know you are going to do it and while its no suprise who the hell cars. Thats your control over the situation anyway. Why should she be left on the ropes wondering why your not commiting and you waiting until its right for you? If this is true, then look where all that lead you to? If its not right, then assure there is a plan to get engaged and she should be a part of it. Ask her if she prefers a romantic proposal or is it more important she feel secure about your intentions.
I was luckey and met the "one" whe I was 21 years old and its been a blast. I didn't know all this crap back then but you figure it out. Now Im passing it along. You can fight it and learn along the way or take it and run with it.
That happy place is out there guys. Its not easy, but its out there.
i also want to echo one of Nalod's themes. at the risk of making a suggestion that could send someone into a spiral of depression, i still must agree, that when life is not giving us what we want -- we must look within. i don't say this because i think all of what ails us is self-inflicted. rather, i say this because all of what will heal us is within us.
jusnice wrote:It is threads like this that make me miss the Orange Blob Man sometimes...just somtimes though.
exactly why I don't. this thread is no where near as productive if the village idiot plods into it
SupremeCommander wrote:jusnice wrote:It is threads like this that make me miss the Orange Blob Man sometimes...just somtimes though.exactly why I don't. this thread is no where near as productive if the village idiot plods into it
+1
SupremeCommander wrote:jusnice wrote:It is threads like this that make me miss the Orange Blob Man sometimes...just somtimes though.exactly why I don't. this thread is no where near as productive if the village idiot plods into it
+1
Nalod wrote:
Sebby, maybe you got to also look within and take some ownership over why this women felt like she was made the fool. Whose fault is not important than understanding what in the hell happened. My feeling is you never opened up and somehow boxed your emotions out and she flipped. That self defensive mechanism might have become a self fulfilling prophacy.
I don't know your parental situation or what your role models were growing up. I have not seen my biological father since I am nine and he started another family. My step father was a good man and while one let me down I learned about commitment from another. He was there not because I was his son but cuz he wanted to. This all made me a better husband and father. I want to be there. Not always easy mind you, but I know the outcome if I am. If you don't, then its hard to commit.
Damn, ya'll got me re-evaluating life and shyt.
sebstar wrote:Nalod wrote:
Sebby, maybe you got to also look within and take some ownership over why this women felt like she was made the fool. Whose fault is not important than understanding what in the hell happened. My feeling is you never opened up and somehow boxed your emotions out and she flipped. That self defensive mechanism might have become a self fulfilling prophacy.
I don't know your parental situation or what your role models were growing up. I have not seen my biological father since I am nine and he started another family. My step father was a good man and while one let me down I learned about commitment from another. He was there not because I was his son but cuz he wanted to. This all made me a better husband and father. I want to be there. Not always easy mind you, but I know the outcome if I am. If you don't, then its hard to commit.Damn, ya'll got me re-evaluating life and shyt.
Sebby,
YOur a fighter!!! You gonna let the negative kick your ass without a fight? Them drugs are making you into an emotional wussy.
You argue en mass over crap not even significant but you roll over on being happy?
The cards you were delt might not have been the best, and I don't know your background but we have choices and your choosing to be a VIP in the pity party.
Your arrogance is a shield for some esteem issues. PUt the bong away and feel it. Its real. And when your tired of it you'll work on it. YOu have a choice.
Nalod wrote:sebstar wrote:Nalod wrote:
Sebby, maybe you got to also look within and take some ownership over why this women felt like she was made the fool. Whose fault is not important than understanding what in the hell happened. My feeling is you never opened up and somehow boxed your emotions out and she flipped. That self defensive mechanism might have become a self fulfilling prophacy.
I don't know your parental situation or what your role models were growing up. I have not seen my biological father since I am nine and he started another family. My step father was a good man and while one let me down I learned about commitment from another. He was there not because I was his son but cuz he wanted to. This all made me a better husband and father. I want to be there. Not always easy mind you, but I know the outcome if I am. If you don't, then its hard to commit.Damn, ya'll got me re-evaluating life and shyt.
Sebby,YOur a fighter!!! You gonna let the negative kick your ass without a fight? Them drugs are making you into an emotional wussy.
You argue en mass over crap not even significant but you roll over on being happy?
The cards you were delt might not have been the best, and I don't know your background but we have choices and your choosing to be a VIP in the pity party.
Your arrogance is a shield for some esteem issues. PUt the bong away and feel it. Its real. And when your tired of it you'll work on it. YOu have a choice.
Hunt your demons instead of letting them hunt you!
Demons love stoned out dukes cuz they easy prey. Make it easy to blame others and the system. You gonna promote your wellness or the right to legalize weed?